Many times, the words I hear in my head were not consciously chosen. They just keep cycling through. Things my Mom said or my Dad told me. Sometimes they are not so good and I really need to excise them like a bloody tumor!
But words have power.
By designing the words that are in my human operating system, I can begin to change from within.
When I became a father, I consciously deleted all cursing from my vocabulary. It wasn’t easy, but I really wanted to be a good role model for my son. I used to curse like a sailor. And it wasn’t conscious. I just picked it up from the environment I was in. After a few months of catching myself, it became easier.
A new mantra
Everything that happens is neither good nor bad. It just is.
Next time you feel frustrated, impatient and angry, realize that it is based on a judgement.
You are perceiving that something is not happening the way you think it should be.
The word “should” is a clue. Whenever you hear it, run away. Strike it from your vocabulary. There are no shoulds. Stop shoulding on the world.
Start using that phrase as internal mantra. Your new self-speak. Hear it in your head. “No judgement.”
Just let the moment pass over you as if you were watching from afar. What used to cause you pain will have no effect anymore.
I think most of us have felt these in our lifetimes, and perhaps even on a weekly or daily basis. There was a time when I experienced Anger, Frustration and Overwhelm almost daily.
The 9 Negative States can be seen as warning lights on your dashboard.
Here’s what they mean and how you can learn from them to release them.
Batten down the hatches, tense up – there’s something you’re going to have to deal with. This is not always true, but you feel it! Take a moment, breathe. Is there really something worth fearing? Unless you are in a life/death situation, most fears are overblown, misplaced and are just worry amplified. Worry is also not necessary. If it happens, deal with it then. Don’t make it worse by spending energy tensing up for a possible non-event.
Action: Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen? Then what? And then?”
Somehow a standard was not met. Rules were broken.
Action: Reflect on “Are these rules even valid? Who made these standards?”
This is a more intense version of hurt, because again, a rule was not met.
I have been in arguments in the past where the other person leaves the room because I’ve raised my voice. In my set of rules, it was okay to get passionate about your discussion and just get it all out in the open now. The other party, whose rules were, never raise your voice as that is verbal abuse and threatening would just leave the room. Can you see how these sets of rules were always in conflict?
Action: Let it go. Reflect on the standards and rules that you feel were not met. What now?
Something is not working and trying to bang through the wall over and over in the same way will only leave you with a banged up head.
Action: Change the approach. Change something. Be flexible.
You haven’t achieved something and you need to change. You also may be feeling a little sorry for yourself.
Tony Robbins says the difference between winners and losers is that winners know how to control their emotional state. Emotions can be thought of as weather patterns being sent up from the unconscious, most triggered habitually. Did you know that you can consciously induce triumph or disappointment? You choose your states whether it is out of habit or choice.
Action: Change the process or change what you want your outcome to be. Pivot.
6) Guilt / Regret
You broke one of your own standards.
Lester Levenson created a whole personal improvement program called the Release Technique and it is simply letting yourself feel the emotions fully and then releasing them. Once you do, you have emptied out the energy you were holding onto thereby clearing all kinds of problems created by stress which causes disease. This technique lives on with two of Lester’s disciples Hale Dwoskin’s Sedona Method and Larry Crane’s Release Technique.
Action: Make amends, forgive yourself, and make sure it doesn’t happen again.
You feel less than something or someone else. You can do this by first, stop comparing yourself to others and to start educating yourself in the ways you feel inadequate. This may be in the hard skills of how to play chords on piano, or the soft skills of how to have confidence in public speaking.
Action: Learn skills, Stop comparing to others. Measure your results to see personal improvement.
Your priorities have become muddled and you’re trying to do everything because you don’t know which is the most important.
Action: Stop, reflect, prioritize and then go forth. Most people over-estimate what they can achieve in a year, but underestimate what they can do in a day.
You need to connect with people and spirit.
Action: Get out and say hello. Find your support group of like-minded people. Find your “sangha.” Get with God. I have a writing group, my church choir, my Dad’s group, my music students, my family and now the Foundation as my network. I’m grateful to have them all.
I’ve learned this list from Dane Maxwell and Andy Drish at The Foundation, of which I’m just starting the journey. Because I’m an extroverted thinker, I find I can think and reflect better if I’m teaching others about it. I hope you find this helpful.